Week 14

Hi baby

A lot has been happening over the last few weeks – so many exciting things!

I had my second midwife appointment. This time I wanted to go on my own and, whilst I missed your daddy being there, it was so lovely to have that time to myself. All of my tests (blood tests and the ultrasound scans) came back with great results. Meaning I am very healthy and well, and you are too. I instantly felt a sense of relief… I’m not gonna lie to ya – I’ve definitely eaten more “treat food” than I should have throughout my first trimester! And am glad to know this hasn’t had any bad effects for you.

But the BEST thing about this appointment, was that I got to hear your heart-beating, for the first time. Baby, no words can tell you how amazing that was. It still catches me off guard, every time I realise that you are a real little being, living and growing inside of me. I feel so incredibly lucky to have you; it’s the most amazing thing.

Your daddy continues to talk to you every day and tell you how much he loves you and me. I feel like my body belongs to both of us at the moment, as well as to you. I’m not sure that will ever be different now either – but I don’t mind at all. In fact, your daddy seems to notice the physical changes to my body better than I do – which is really nice for us both. We take photos of my bump every week, and plan to do a montage with them once you have popped out. Be prepared to be bombarded with cameras baby! I expect you to be the cutest thing on earth, so it will only be natural for you to expect mumma & popparazzi.

We’ve decided to keep your sex a secret until you announce it yourself at birth. So until then, we’ve also got a list of baby names ready – after carefully selecting the right middle name combinations so your initials won’t be EGG or GAG or BOG or something embarrassing.

Your daddy and I had a really lovely weekend – we always do, but this one was really special as we started to talk about our future as a family – moving house just before you arrive, and planning our future finances. We also went to Baby City yesterday. It was so adorable to see all the teeny tiny baby clothes we will buy for you soon, and all of the gorgeous cribs and blankets etc. Your daddy was like a kid in a candy shop – excitedly analysing all the state-of-the-art car-seats and strollers (checking to see if they were the same models he has been researching online)… my only concern is that I can fit the equipment into my car without having a minor melt-down each time – but your daddy will ensure you have the comfiest, safest way of getting around no matter what – so rest assured. (Hah – no pun intended).

I’m surprised at how well I feel. My energy is coming back, so now we’re in the 2nd trimester I am starting to take you walking, and swimming again. I wouldn’t say I’m a pin-up pregnant mum who’s living off kale and chia seeds, whilst sitting in a full lotus, but I’m trying.

I’ll always try for you baby,

Your Mumma
Xx

 

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Week 13

Dear baby

Today, we saw you again! I’m now 13 weeks pregnant so there was another scan to check if you might have Down’s Syndrome (not that I would do anything WHATSOEVER if you do – but it was an opportunity to see you again, so we grabbed it).

Incidentally, we were told you are perfect! – we got to see your heart beating, your brain, your spine, your stomach, all 10 fingers and 10 toes, and your wiggly arms and legs and cutie-patootie face in profile. I’m not gonna lie to ya – at one point you rolled towards the front, kind of facing us, and your face looked a bit skeleton-y it kind of made me jump! I’m looking forward to you getting thicker flesh… even though this will mean you start taking up more of my body space, including squishing my lungs and intestines – but it’ll be worth it to have you less skeleton-y. Even though you are the cutest looking skeleton anyone has ever seen, I’m sure.

This time your daddy got a DVD so we could see you again when we got home and to keep a memory of you at the end of your first trimester – because at this point you have just become a fully formed little person (even though you’re still so tiny, like 7cm).

You’re the size of a feijoa!

At first, when your daddy asked for the DVD, the receptionist lady said to us “oh you’re better off getting it at the 20 week scan, you see more.” I could see in your daddy’s face that he didn’t want to be demanding. I also saw disappointment because he really did want the DVD and had regretted not getting it the first time. And I felt like asking the lady to keep her unnecessary opinions to herself (that’s not what she’s paid for!)… but, instead, I looked at your daddy and said “you could get a DVD next time AS WELL, honey.” And his face lit up and he said “yeah!” and the receptionist took her cue to just do as we asked her.

This just got me thinking baby – about how I want you to behave when you are born and growing up. And I want you to always know that, in life, the main thing you need to do is to listen to your heart: know what you want, and have courage in your own convictions. Act with integrity, kindness, and respect towards other people, but don’t let anyone steer you from going your own way. Your life is yours for the living.

Your daddy and I hope to guide you towards becoming a person that is driven, but not competitive, informed, but not biased, opinionated, but not judgemental, strong, but not hard, and gentle, but not weak. We cannot wait to meet you and discover the person that you are. And see you grow, and develop, and make a difference to the world in your own unique way.

And that was the coolest thing about today’s scan – I had a really strong sense of your presence, of you being my beautiful baby, but also of you being your own unique being. Moving in a way that you have chosen yourself. Even without conscious thought yet – you are the one who is choosing to wiggle abundantly, and turn away from the sonographer for some peace and quiet, and rest your arm behind your head, and suck your thumb, and poke your tongue out. It’s amazing, and I feel so humbled being your mother and enabling you to develop.

I love you now and always, my wonderful little belly bean.

Your mumma

Xx

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Week 11

Dear baby

Today the coolest thing happened. Today, your daddy and I saw you for the first time. And you were ADORABLE!

There you are my little belly bean! >

2014-03-03 08.26.58

We had our first midwife appointment last week (a lovely lady called Sue who is going to take good care of us) and we found it hard to ascertain when you were conceived – so today was a dating scan.

We figured you could be anything from 6-8 weeks… but you are already TEN WEEKS old baby! You just continue to surprise us! That means that I was already 6 weeks pregnant when I did my first pregnancy test and you were conceived just before the New Year (which totally makes sense as I was so emotional over that time!) and we only have 2 weeks to go before we’re into the second trimester. Yussss.

I’ve been so incredibly lucky with you baby – having you growing in my tummy has made me VERY tired and VERY hungry, but apart from an increased sense of smell (your daddy usually smells delicious but… yeah… not so much right now, poor thing) I haven’t had any of the yukky sickness. You’ve just been quietly growing inside of me; you’ve been so good to your mumma.

So there we were – 8.15am on a Monday morning (I’ve never looked forward to a Monday morning so much!)… I had to drink 750ml of water 30 minutes before our appointment and NOT PEE (so of course I spent the entire journey to the clinic thinking about the loo – and, typical for your daddy, we were there 20 minutes early*, so I then had to sit cross-legged in the car wishing it to be over…) and I was pretty worried that I would wet my pants on the table as soon as the sonographer put pressure on my tummy… but I was far too distracted to think about my bladder once we went into the little room.

It was dark, with just the light from the computer and display screens glowing and making the room feel cosy. I had to lay on a comfy bed, with a big pillow, and pull up my shirt. The kind lady put some warm goo on my tummy and I reached up and held your daddy’s hand – and we kept our eye on the screen, on the wall above the door. The sonographer, Alison, rubbed a wand thing over my tummy from side to side. First she was checking to see if I had any cysts or anything on my ovaries or around the placenta – which I fortunately don’t. And then she moved the wand to the centre and slowly, but surely, the little bean shape in the black circle (my womb) came into focus. IT WAS YOU.

It was YOU baby. There you were. You were so clear and so big! “3.5cm,” Alison said “that makes it 10 weeks.” I have never felt so happy and tears spilled out of my eyes and I was giggling a bit so it made the image wobbly, and your daddy kissed me, and we just couldn’t take our eyes off you.

Alison said “can you see the baby moving?” And we could! A leg and an arm were moving, almost waving at us. It was too good for words. You just have so much space to move inside my womb at the moment – it’s hard to believe that before too long you will fill it all up and make my tummy swell!

I just looked at you for what felt like ages and could not believe that you had been there all this time. You looked so peaceful and comfortable and I’m sure your little tongue was sticking out! You’ve just been quietly growing inside my tummy, whilst I have been busy complaining about how tired I am, and how hungry I am, and how fat I am, and how I am hungry I am again, and how things smell gross, and how my boobs are sore, and getting all emotional over being emotional, and worrying about whether or not to eat lettuce and, meanwhile, you were inside my tummy just quietly growing.

You are so precious baby, and so clever, and strong – I left the clinic with pep in my step today, knowing that no matter what difficulties and discomforts are ahead of me I will embrace them all for you.

I love you so much baby! As I was cooking our dinner tonight your daddy said: “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me” (seeing you through the scan) – but he didn’t really say it to me, he kind of said it to himself. It was adorable. You will love your daddy so much! And it just makes me so happy – after everything he has done, and continues to do for me, the greatest gift I can possibly repay him with is growing in my tummy. Our beautiful baby. You.

We cannot wait to see you again.

Keep safe in there, I will take such good care of you.

Your mumma.
Xxx

*if you could be as punctual as your daddy, that would be fantastic by the way!

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Week 6

Dear baby

When I first discovered you, I was sitting on the loo. Holding a white stick I had just peed on and talking / blubbering to a bright pink line (you). I’m sure this won’t be the first time I embarrass you with stories of your early days. And for this, I apologise a thousand times in advance. (That should cover me for this diary to you at least).

So there I was. It was a Saturday, the first day of February (a nice easy date to remember, thank you baby). Your daddy had just gone to work – he works very hard for your mumma (and also for you, because we have talked about you even before you arrived) – and I was trying to get out of going for my monthly IPL treatment. It’s a painful, hair removing experience, IPL… which to call it that is kind of ironic given what ended up preventing me going (IPL isn’t safe when you are pregnant). So before having a shower I decided to do a home pregnancy test – as my period was late (ewww gross muuuum).

And I want to say that I already knew I was pregnant, and that when I did the test and saw it was positive that angels came out and sang, and I felt a pinch in my uterus, and that a whole new world opened up before me… but it didn’t. It kind of went like this:

An awkward opening of a plastic wrapped test stick, which I started to rip off with my teeth before I worried that could somehow contaminate the results (how, I don’t know) before I got a pair of scissors out of the drawer. Then an awkward holding of this stick in my pee stream, carefully counting “5 seconds” and wondering whether to do the counting with elephants or Mississippi or not… then I popped the cap on and proceeded to worry if I should hold it vertical or horizontal (as if one or the other meant your existing or not) and then – the moment. My pee whooshed up the stick and a bright pink line appeared in the window. That was you – you were so fast. Two lines indicate you are pregnant and the second line was a bit slower, but was definitely there (I later read that the second line might be more faint and that is normal). So then baby, I stared at these pink lines (the first, brighter line, being you) and just basically stared. For ages. Naked. On the loo.

I was in such shock I started to cry and I started to talk (to myself, or to you… I don’t think you were listening yet though)… and I said things like “oh my god” and “definitely two lines” and I would look closer and say, incredulously, “definitely TWO lines” again and again. And I put my hand to my tummy and I cried (a lot) and I said “but I don’t feel you baby.” And then I was worried that would hurt your feelings, so I quickly said “but I believe you are there baby, and no matter what I will protect you and keep you safe. You hang on in there.”

And I meant that, and will mean that for the rest of my life. And most likely beyond too – whatever beyond is (but let’s not get ahead of ourselves).

Then I got off the loo and quietly pottered about the house doing laundry and things and I kept going back to the bathroom to look at the pink lines – just to check you were still there. I did this dozens of times. Then I drank a pint of water in seconds and did a pee on another stick, and you were there again. And then I started googling “my pregnancy test is positive now what.” It was all very calm and it was just us.

By the time your daddy came home I had taken a photo of the first pee stick (the special one) and when he was unpacking his car I sent it to him. I sent it to him via a messenger app called Viber – as when I lived in London, and your daddy lived in Auckland, he would call me every day using Viber. It seemed cute, that our relationship began through Viber and that our parenthood would too. And baby, I saw his face when he got the photo and I thought he would cry, hug me, be at a loss for words – but he just looked blank and said “what’s this?” I thought, HONESTLY! It was clearly a pregnancy stick saying positive! But he was probably in a bit of denial and shock, like me.

You came so quickly baby – we’ve only been married 2 and a half months! You will be as efficient as your daddy is I’m sure. He had just got back from a shop where he was looking to buy a windsurfer. He had told the shop owner that he was recently married, and the shop owner said he ought to buy his windsurfer before babies come along… an hour later ‘oops too late!’ (He still went back and got his new toy though – you’ll learn to love that about him for sure!).

Anyway and then we argued a bit about readjusting our year and our plans, especially our UK and Italy trip (as you’ll be a big baby by then… and I’ll be a big mumma!), before I cried and your daddy hugged me and we just giggled. It wasn’t how they portray it in the movies, baby, but it was beautiful.

We took you to the theatre that night – we saw Othello. It won’t be your favourite.

And so here I am. Here we are! Just 24 hours into my discovering you (and your daddy is already hollering from the kitchen telling me what I can and cannot eat anymore)… and I am learning once and for all that patience really is the biggest lesson of my life. Because it will be 8 long months before I get to meet you and introduce myself as your super cool, fly mumma (ok, I probably used up one of those one thousand apologies there huh… forgetting the pee stick bit), but anyway – we have a lot to get through before then. And whatever that is, we’ll get through it together.

Keep safe in there, and I promise I won’t get grumpy at you for denying my blue cheese cravings for 8 longgggg months.

I love you baby – heart, body and soul, which, for a little while longer, you can share mine.

Your mumma,

Xo

 

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