I’ve been thinking about writing this latest letter to you for a couple of weeks, but the words weren’t quite flowing and so I’ve hesitated and then I thought – ‘enough! – just tell it like it is.’ So here goes:
You are now 10 months old. I feel as though I woke up one day and my baby wasn’t there any more – since we moved house, and you started crawling and cruising around everywhere, there is very little of my baby left. I know you are still so little (and, let’s be honest – you will always be my baby!) – but you seem to be such a fully fledged little boy now. With so much personality and a fiercely independent streak. Of course, I didn’t expect anything less of a child of mine!
Other Mummas, at the playgroups and classes we attend, frequently are amazed and tell me ‘Beau is so expressive!’ And whilst you don’t yet speak language – your babbles and gestures and facial expressions tell us all a thousand words. You have a story to tell, my darling – and I can’t wait to hear… or to see… what it is.
I have started to feel you slip ever so slightly away from me, as you gain more independence in the world around you. You are confident and secure spending time apart from me, as I start to build my business and begin working again – and I am realising more so every day, just how blessed I am to be your mother and to have this precious time in your life.
I’m also realising the importance of building my relationship with you, so that the little independent soul you seem to be doesn’t forget about me when the time comes for me to be no longer needed. I know you will never love me as I love you (you aren’t supposed to – and that’s ok!), but I do want you to love me for who I am, and to always be thankful of the role I have played in your beginning. I recently purchased a book ‘raising boys’ and will do everything I can to understand your needs as a growing boy, and to meet them as your Mumma. You might not agree with all of my decisions, in the years to come, but it would be enough for me if you just knew that I had always acted with your best interests at heart and, of course, out of my love for you.
I want you to know right now (whenever you are reading this) – that being independent and not needing your Mumma anymore is not a bad thing, not a cold, unfeeling thing – it is a wonderful thing, and something I am (will be!) immensely proud of. I want you to stand on your own two feet, shape your life in the way you want it to be, and face the world head on, knowing that you are capable of anything.
But I also want you to know, that it’s me who needs you. I will always need to know that you are safe and well, and I will always need to share in your joy and happiness. I will always need to know that you love me (so please make sure you remind me now and then!). And I will always need you to know that I am here.
And I will always need your cuddles and kisses! I will forever be grateful to have had the first ones that were yours to give. Some days it feels as though all I do is kiss and cuddle you from the moment you wake, until the moment you sleep. Sometimes you are on the floor, playing, and I am crawling behind you planting kisses on your head whenever I can. Savouring each of them for a lifetime.
I need you to know, baby, that you are everything to me. And yet, at the same time – you are only yours. You are your own person – with your own dreams, and pleasures, and drive. I have no idea who you will become, you will discover that yourself – and I hope you are always able to share it with me,
But until then – you are still mine, my little man, and I am cherishing these days in which you give all of yourself to me.
Your Mumma Xxx