Dear baby Beau
You are no longer breastfed. As of last Friday – the 14th of August – you are now fully weaned. This is both a happy and a sad milestone.
On the one hand, I have my body back (and a small amount of freedom with it!). But, on the other hand, you are no longer my baby…
This is actually a very big deal. A huge transition in my life as your mother. Even before you were born, I always knew I wanted to breastfeed you – and I persevered (we both did!) during many early complications. But we both wanted it, and we made it work for us – you thrived; you are still thriving. It’s been so great.
Whilst I knew I wanted to breastfeed you, I also knew I didn’t want it to continue after you became really mobile/active – as the thought of nursing a small boy didn’t appeal to me. I trusted I would know the right time to stop, that we both would – but I had no idea what that might look like. You used to feed from me 8 times a day right up until you were 7 months old! So I was mentally preparing for a difficult transition for you… but, at 10 and a half months, that transition was actually completely natural and extremely easy. You just got too busy. You no longer needed it, alongside me no longer wanting it.
But despite me no longer wanting to do it – I knew I would still feel bittersweet by the end. And I was determined not to sit down with the intention of ‘this is the last time’ – I knew that would be extremely upsetting for me, and unsettling for you – so I trusted that the last time would occur naturally, and go unnoticed until it was passed. I couldn’t imagine how, but I trusted it would.
And you know what – it did.
I won’t go into the details of the last time you nursed – as I know you will not want to know all about that! And besides – that part of your life belongs to me, my little baby, and my little gift before you leave me for your life to begin in earnest (as it will have by the time you are reading this). But please know that I will never forget it, even though you were far too busy to really pay attention!
And so that’s it. A big phase in my life/your life is now over. Complete. And what a journey! We took it together and I will always be proud and grateful to have been able to breastfeed you for 10.5 months. It was a natural transition, a gentle one – simply the right time to stop. And now, a new phase begins.
I had been worried that the end of my breastfeeding would mean you would slip away from me a little, that our bond would not be as strong – but baby, it is stronger than ever! Almost coincidentally, since Friday, you’re kissing and cuddling and being more affectionate with me than ever before. You look me directly in the eyes – and I see the love you have for me. It is so fierce, just as mine is for you. I truly hadn’t felt the weight of it until now.
Perhaps your need for closeness was being fulfilled through my nursing – but now that has gone you are seeking it directly from me. Through my eyes, my spirit, my person… it is so incredibly beautiful.
You are no longer my baby.
You are now my son.
And, my amazing boy, you make me so incredibly happy.
Thank you for being you, for being mine,
Your Mumma. Xxx