Hope

Since my last post, I’ve been waiting for my period – it’s now 3 days late.

I’ve done 3 home pregnancy tests, over the course of 6 days – all negative. I don’t feel pregnant, nor do I feel pre-menstrual… to be honest, I’m not really feeling anything.

I called Fertility Associates yesterday and was sent off for more blood testing, along with new hope.

After they took my blood and I went home with my son – we spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling on the couch and talking, using all of his new language, and learning new ways to say ‘I love you.’ There were the smiles with the eye lashes, and the blowing raspberries on my tummy, and the gentle twirling of my hair. And then I felt something. I felt overjoyed.

This morning still no bleeding… so, whilst I waited for the phone to ring with news from the clinic, I got on with some work.

What a lovely morning it’s been – Nick took Beau to buy bed-sheets for his very first “big boy bed,” which he will begin sleeping in tonight, and they came back with green dinosaur ones and the world’s most excited little boy (whose heart broke when we had to put them in the washing machine!). It felt so fulfilling, to guide him through his confusion and upset, reassuring him that the green dinosaurs will be back clean and dry ready for bed-time. And it felt wonderful to see him so reassured by me.

I wrote two wedding ceremonies, for some lovely couples that I am marrying next summer – and it felt so rewarding to have this job, to be able to use my words to create clarity and precious memories for people. I felt as I always have done, since beginning this role, so honoured and privileged to meet so many good people, living good lives, who want to share their stories with me.

And then my phone rang.

Every fibre in my body felt something, the whole of me came alive… a faster heart beat, blood moving quicker, more breath coming in and out… in the seconds it took to answer that phone call the world had stopped.

But I knew it before she said anything. “I’m sorry sweetheart, there’s no sign of pregnancy, your hormone levels are dropping away.”

Just like my spirit.

“It’s OK, it’s OK…” I reassured her, as well as my husband who was standing in the doorway of my office. She sounded so sorry for me. And after I rang off the phone Nick held me and I spoke words which I don’t remember and cried tears which I didn’t feel.

I think I feel so much of everything at once that it’s all gone neutral.

Now they’ve gone to the park and to get ice-cream and I’m going to finish my work and then cry and cry and cry – until all the effort and energy and emotion from the last 6 weeks goes away, and I can move on from it, and start again. Which I will.

This was our first month of fertility treatment – and it’s not going to be our last.

When I went to give my blood yesterday, did I go with false hope? No of course I didn’t. Because hope is never false. Hope is desire. Hope is trust. Hope is our truth. It’s what keeps us moving, keeps us going, and gives us faith. I still have all the hope in the world.

I really ache for you little one. And I will wait for as long as I need to, because my hope will never run out, nor will it falter.

I think this is my greatest challenge in life so far – your daddy taught me what it is to love, and your brother is teaching me how. And you – you are teaching me why.

I love you little one – as hard as I try, I just can’t get my head around the fact that you don’t yet exist. Because, to me, you do.

With hope,

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