Sheesh! What a week or so it has been, since the full moon last Tuesday. So many emotions and some really dark energy stirring me, knocking me off my feet, threatening to pull me under. I’m only writing about it now as the clouds seem to be parting again…
I don’t pretend to be anything close to an expert, or even well studied, when it comes to understanding the cycles of the moon – but time and time again, month in and month out, I feel the effects of it. And as I start to align more with my intuitive self, I find it’s far better to pay attention to my senses, than to try and explain them away.
So I surrendered to the pull – cancelling plans, laying low, allowing the darkness to bring me to solitude. I cancelled a sound journey I had booked for myself on Thursday evening, because it was such a long drive (on a cold, dark and rainy night) to get to Titirangi to do it; I cancelled going to dinner with my beloved Celebrant friends (after a Wedding I took in the City) on Friday evening; and I didn’t make it to yoga class on Saturday afternoon (nor Monday evening, my plan B).
Even though all of these things, if I had managed to make them happen for myself, would have lifted my spirits immeasurably – I just couldn’t do it. I needed blankets, and warm meals eaten in PJs, and Nick’s gentle presence.
Sometimes, despite every desire to keep on or to reach out, we just have to stop and go within. Nick’s struggling with life right now, too. The only thing we aren’t struggling with is each other. So I’ve preferred to stay close to him, and to remain by his side after a long day apart.
It reminds me of a time many years ago, when I was working through some big life changes and new beginnings and needing to take care of my fragile mental health by sticking close to this man I had just committed to… a former friend told me I was “obsessed” with Nick and basically a terrible friend (having cancelled plans on me at the very last minute without apology, but taking exception to me not being available at all the following week). Apparently the resentment ran a little deeper than that (unmet expectations, the usual), but she had initially refrained from sharing this with me, ‘knowing I would have reacted badly’… and it’s always seemed such a shame to me that the judgments couldn’t have extended into a process of self reflection. Maybe they did. But that’s not my journey…
You know, as it goes, I had agreed with her! Because of course I am ‘obsessed’ with the man I’ve chosen to spend my whole life with… the man who has shown me he’ll always be there, without conditions, consistently reminding me of my intrinsic goodness and the need to care for and honour myself. If he is my chosen obsession, I believe I chose really fucking well. And as the years pass I now choose my friends more wisely too.
I send out my deepest gratitude to those friends who might be reading this, who are still standing by with open arms whenever I am ready to emerge from myself. Maybe they know who they are, or maybe they don’t. But I do.
Never feel you need to apologise or explain yourself, when the need for retreat, or boundaries, or introversion calls.
Seasons and cycles
Life’s an ongoing journey for all of us. People come and go for seasons and reasons. There’s always something to be learned with every person we meet, and every step we take. It’s not for dwelling too much.
The process of surrender and letting ourselves break open a little, is one I imagine will continue to be repeated throughout life’s ongoing seasons. I’m trying my best to embrace it, not fight against it – to draw strength from vulnerability, rather than putting on another curated mask.
“Go within and rest in your own sanctuary of peaceful awareness.”
This mandala calendar was created by Sarah Vasella and I love it more than I can say. I was drawn to her work on Instagram a year or two ago… and her 2019 mandala calendar has provided me with inspiration and many opportunities to mindfully connect with myself. I continuously find it uncanny (pleasantly so) that each month her mantras ring so relevantly.
The heavy emotions of this last week or so, had initially been triggered two days before the full moon – finding myself raging at the slightest injustice / misunderstanding at the poolside of Beau’s swimming lesson; then visiting loved ones and feeling past emotions returning within a familiar looking scenario; before finally feeling myself break, and losing myself into a shower of tears that afternoon (but also finding myself in the delightfully warm and supportive presence of Nick’s right shoulder, and the comforting smell from the crook of his neck) as I heard myself speak of what was truly troubling me, and hearing him tell me how loved and cared for I am.
I just felt so safe and peaceful. Like I could close the doors and the curtains and dim the lights and just rest here with him for a while. So I did.
Four days after the full moon I got my way wayyy late menstruation, and some of the dark energy clawing at me gave way to a more subtle state of mild depression. But also, it’s brought with it some clarity, and a gently flowing sense of peace.
Things that have become clear include:
- Realising that, as an empath, I am highly sensitive to all of the energies around me. And, whilst this is a blessing as much as it is a curse, I must start learning how to honour and protect myself, which includes firmly establishing my boundaries; learning to differentiate between my own emotions (read: energy in motion) and those of others; and not losing sense of my own narrative within others’ stories.
- I literally don’t need to deal with other peoples bullshit and drama if I don’t want to. I’m responsible only for my own journey and enlightenment (and, for a time, guiding my children towards taking responsibility for theirs).
- I’ve never known a single soul who hasn’t at some point or another been an asshole. Myself included. No one is all good (or all bad).
- If I make it my life’s journey to seek understanding and balance between all beings, allll the time, then it will be one very exhausting and frustrating journey!
- Love. Always love.
- Start to recognise when I’m being emotionally-driven vs heart-driven. I’m finally understanding the difference.
- And it’s ok to wait until the storm passes. In fact, it’s wise too.
On a separate note, Nick and I are realising that we need to start aligning our life together with our core values. The grind isn’t fulfilling. Our kids are growing too fast. We want something a bit less, and a bit more.
Our big UK trip is starting to creep up on us now, and there will be some extended time out together to mull things over. A change of scenery, and perhaps some bigger changes to follow… we might not know what they will be just yet, but we’re definitely in need of them.
For now, though, I’ll just continue resting in that inner sanctuary of peaceful awareness! ;o)
I hope this season is serving you well?