Time out

So – the end of 2016 is in sight! Summer is here in New Zealand and we are all in holiday mode.

2017 is looming on the horizon – promising new beginnings, new energy, and new hope – ours to claim, with a simple turning of the calendar.

It’s been a year where I’ve felt totally out of sorts. Unbalanced; ready but not prepared; willing but unable. There have been a lot of challenges and internal dialogues. A lot of questions without answers. But many lessons learned along the way.

It’s been a year of uncertainty; a year to step back and look at the bigger picture and figure out what’s really happening. What’s really needed. What really matters.

It’s been a year of opening minds and opening hearts. A year that has threatened our faith and knocked our spirits – but not left us broken.

It’s been a year to be humble and grateful and strong.

But I don’t want to be strong for the summer. I want to be soft and relaxed and amiable. I want to rest more, and then get out into nature – swim in the sea and feel the sun and watch it rise and set. Rise and set. And rise again.

I don’t want plans. I want to laugh and sing and dance and play. I want to be with people I care about the most – who are also taking the time out, to rest and play and enjoy one another. Without tomorrow, without yesterday – just for today.

None of my questions have answers – so maybe I’ll stop asking for a while.

My cup feels empty – so it’s time to fill it back up.

Look – it’s not been a bad year, it’s just not been an easy one. After 6 months of uncertainty, I began fertility treatment on 1st September and the last 3 months of the year have been a total roller-coaster.

But as I write this today – on Christmas Eve – I know now how good it has been. How useful and important. And I feel what’s been a gradual sense of calm and peace return to me. It’s so close now I can grasp it and let it embrace me.

And I’m excited and happy! – for everything my life is, and could be. There has always been hope and possibility. And there will always be.

Right now, we are a family of three – who love each other so deeply. We find new joy in one another’s company every day. My 2 year old son, my sweethearted Beau, looked at me yesterday as he sat having dinner with his Grandma (I had been getting ready to take his daddy out for dinner, for his birthday)… “oh mama,” he said, “you have a beautiful dress.” And in response to my red-lipsticked smile, “oh mama, you have a very beautiful mouth.”

I felt so complete.

All that actually matters is this day that we have. Yesterday is over now. Tomorrow’s still to come. And I have finally reached that point, once again, where I am simply enjoying the day that I have; living with all that ‘is,’ not what ‘if.’

I will trust the process and the journey – nurturing myself, being the most well I can be. There is simply no rhyme or reason in the uniqueness of conception – but for everything there is a season. There may well come a time when effort and trying is once again needed – but, for now, I’m just over here… taking some time and letting my own unique story play out.

Where are you at today? Are you OK? Maybe you can take some time out too?

And maybe – just maybe – you might believe that you deserve it?

Sending you all my season’s greetings,
With love and blessings.

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