VLOG // A point of comparison…

VLOG SERIES // A point of comparison…

Hello you!

I wanted to VLOG for today, as a point of comparison with the VLOG I published last week.

I give an update on my current fertility treatment, I talk about a pretty big “light-bulb moment” I’ve experienced, and I also offer encouragement to any of you that might be struggling with the whole ‘making love vs making babies’ thing… that we definitely are!

Today’s a good day for me, but it’s just another step in the journey.

Sending love and best wishes to you, as always,

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VLOG // Just one of those days…

VLOG SERIES // Just one of those days…

Hey you – do you have days like these?

I’m sure you do, and I know they pass, but don’t they just suck?

I decided, once again, to share the video I was compelled to film – sharing myself right in the thick of it, in the hope that it might connect with you. In the hope that it might even help you along your way, just knowing that you’re not alone in this. That we’re in it together.

And – above all – I really hope that you see me as my husband does: “you’re just really adorable when you’re grumpy!” Because, I can tell you this much – I am GRUMPY today!

Which must mean that tomorrow will be better.

Cheers to that!

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The Good the Bad and the Ugly

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Cliché – because it’s so true.

Just two months into my fertility journey, I know this without a shadow of a doubt – because right now I have never felt more weak, or insecure, or shit in my entire life. I feel broken. But the only way is to keep going. The only constant is change. And this too shall pass.


Being optimistic, and remaining positive, and choosing to have faith in the process is great. It’s important, even, to face life this way. But those things don’t make you pregnant, do they?

Being strong doesn’t make you pregnant.

I just want to say to you, my friend – you, beautiful reader – that sometimes this journey is not about being strong at all. It’s about doing what you have to do, without much choice. It’s about acceptance. It’s about figuring out another plan, taking deliberate steps down an unexpected path.

It’s uncertain, and unclear, and unrelenting.

And often it’s uncomfortable – it’s challenging thoughts, confronting emotions, and difficult conversations.

It’s cancelling plans and changing your mind and feeling alone as well as bombarded. It’s high highs and low lows and not being ready and being too late. IT’S NOT WANTING TO DO THE THING YOU NEED TO DO TO GET THE THING YOU WANT. It’s confusing.

And it’s unfair and shit.


You don’t need to be strong, you know. But you do need to be strong together. Because this will challenge the very essence of who you are and you’ll ask “why” more times than you have reasons for the question.

This is about saying sorry when you need to, and I love you as often as you can. It’s unconditional love. It’s the bigger picture. And it’s not letting the small moments define us… even though they’re consuming, and not small at all.

It’s remembering how to breath… those deep breaths that we have to stop and think about. It’s hitting pause. It’s the profound impact of a warm shower and a modest cup of coffee on your ability to face the rest of the day.

You’re gonna ride some big waves. You’re gonna draw some strong lines in the proverbial sand. And you won’t be able to go back.

You’re going to see your deepest, darkest, ugliest selves – and all the beauty that lies within you. You’ll discover parts of yourself that you had no idea were hurting. And you’re going to see sides of your partner that will surprise you. You’ll push them away and they’ll carry you in.

Sometimes, you will break each other apart. And even though you aren’t strong – your love must be. Because you’ll be able to heal one another in a single moment. Coming together as you come undone; your love is like glue. It’s like diamonds – more beautiful under pressure.

You are going to loose yourself and feel the weight of the whole world closing in. The air will become so heavy it’ll be an effort to breathe. You’ll want to run but have no ability to move. I think this is what it must be – to become consumed by longing and hope and despair. Some days you simply won’t get past it. Other days you won’t be able to see it at all.

Wherever you are at in your journey – just started, or deeply entrenched – and however you are feeling today – hopeful, or hopeless – it doesn’t matter. Because you’re in deep from the very beginning.


And so, whilst it’s true that I have never felt more weak, or insecure, or shit in my entire life – what’s more significant is that I’ve never lived my life so fully either.

I’m right here, right in the thick of it…. and this is it. And it’s good, and it’s bad, and it’s mine. And it’s the only one I’ve got and am ever going to have. And I’m doing my best.

So I’ll be broken and weak and messy and ugly – and then I’ll find those moments of joy and beauty and strength and I will cherish them.

For there are many.

With love,

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Since my last post, I’ve been waiting for my period – it’s now 3 days late.

I’ve done 3 home pregnancy tests, over the course of 6 days – all negative. I don’t feel pregnant, nor do I feel pre-menstrual… to be honest, I’m not really feeling anything.

I called Fertility Associates yesterday and was sent off for more blood testing, along with new hope.

After they took my blood and I went home with my son – we spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling on the couch and talking, using all of his new language, and learning new ways to say ‘I love you.’ There were the smiles with the eye lashes, and the blowing raspberries on my tummy, and the gentle twirling of my hair. And then I felt something. I felt overjoyed.

This morning still no bleeding… so, whilst I waited for the phone to ring with news from the clinic, I got on with some work.

What a lovely morning it’s been – Nick took Beau to buy bed-sheets for his very first “big boy bed,” which he will begin sleeping in tonight, and they came back with green dinosaur ones and the world’s most excited little boy (whose heart broke when we had to put them in the washing machine!). It felt so fulfilling, to guide him through his confusion and upset, reassuring him that the green dinosaurs will be back clean and dry ready for bed-time. And it felt wonderful to see him so reassured by me.

I wrote two wedding ceremonies, for some lovely couples that I am marrying next summer – and it felt so rewarding to have this job, to be able to use my words to create clarity and precious memories for people. I felt as I always have done, since beginning this role, so honoured and privileged to meet so many good people, living good lives, who want to share their stories with me.

And then my phone rang.

Every fibre in my body felt something, the whole of me came alive… a faster heart beat, blood moving quicker, more breath coming in and out… in the seconds it took to answer that phone call the world had stopped.

But I knew it before she said anything. “I’m sorry sweetheart, there’s no sign of pregnancy, your hormone levels are dropping away.”

Just like my spirit.

“It’s OK, it’s OK…” I reassured her, as well as my husband who was standing in the doorway of my office. She sounded so sorry for me. And after I rang off the phone Nick held me and I spoke words which I don’t remember and cried tears which I didn’t feel.

I think I feel so much of everything at once that it’s all gone neutral.

Now they’ve gone to the park and to get ice-cream and I’m going to finish my work and then cry and cry and cry – until all the effort and energy and emotion from the last 6 weeks goes away, and I can move on from it, and start again. Which I will.

This was our first month of fertility treatment – and it’s not going to be our last.

When I went to give my blood yesterday, did I go with false hope? No of course I didn’t. Because hope is never false. Hope is desire. Hope is trust. Hope is our truth. It’s what keeps us moving, keeps us going, and gives us faith. I still have all the hope in the world.

I really ache for you little one. And I will wait for as long as I need to, because my hope will never run out, nor will it falter.

I think this is my greatest challenge in life so far – your daddy taught me what it is to love, and your brother is teaching me how. And you – you are teaching me why.

I love you little one – as hard as I try, I just can’t get my head around the fact that you don’t yet exist. Because, to me, you do.

With hope,

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Great Expectations

Yesterday was my birthday! Yesterday was also the day I could finally take a pregnancy test, after my first month of fertility treatment.

It was negative.

But yesterday was actually the most positive day I’ve had for quite some time. Instead of feeling the weight of that disappointment, I felt overwhelmed with love, coming at me from all angles, as I was reminded of just how blessed I am to have so many wonderful, amazing, loving people in my life – people who had the ability to lift my spirit, even though they had no idea it needed lifting.


I write about being positive, and it’s certainly a way I endeavour to live by – but that doesn’t mean it always comes naturally, easily, or even at all! Let me tell you honestly how it’s been:

After my initial consultation with the Fertility Associates (read here), followed by a plan of action (as per here) – I began my fertility journey feeling motivated, excited, and full of faith. I still am all of those things – but I didn’t expect this first month to be so arduous.

Things started well – as advised, I made the time to do 20 minutes of high-intensity cardio each day – I was off! It felt great to be able to do something really practical to help myself, and the effect of regular exercise on my overall well-being was as beneficial as it always is. I felt great!

Alongside this, I was given a course of drugs to bring on menstruation – and around two weeks later it finally came and I could officially begin my fertility treatment. Those first couple of weeks were definitely positive.

“Day 1” was the first day of my period and the start of my first cycle.

Days 3-7 saw me take 2 x pills each evening after dinner – these were my ovulation induction drugs. The effect on my mood was moderate – I was definitely sensitive and more easily upset, but overall I was still able to find those lovely feelings deep down and I clung onto them.

During this time, I became an Auntie again – for the third time – with my first little niece! She is absolutely gorgeous and it was instant love the moment I met her. I really enjoyed visiting her, and my brother and sister-in-law at the the hospital, and hearing all about her birth and feeling really close with them all.

Also during this time, some very special friends of mine told me they are expecting their first baby! I can’t begin to tell you how happy this makes me. They have had their own journey to get there – and are set to become such wonderful parents.

And to top it off – a dearly loved person in my life has finally conceived after a very long and very difficult journey. I was so overwhelmed with happiness, that so far I have been unable to express it to her. I know she will be feeling elated, but also fragile.

Day 10 and it was time to go for my scan to see if the drugs had worked. It was the day before my first born’s 2nd birthday and the day of a party we were hosting for a family friend who is battling cancer like a warrior. I had just come down with a cold, following Beau having one, so to say I was emotionally charged and feeling sensitive would be an understatement.

It was a really positive result – the drugs had worked! Both of my ovaries had developed a good number of follicles and the likelihood of ovulation was extremely high. Both doctors who saw me were lovely – I was so pleased to have had Nick and Beau there with me, too – but for some reason I couldn’t express how I was feeling to any of them. I was of course delighted with the result – but I also felt tired and exposed and vulnerable and as we walked to the lift I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. The lump in my throat and tears stinging my eyes made no sense whatsoever.

“Hi Hayley. Good time for intercourse from tomorrow. Min 4 days if poss.”


There is a difference between making love and making a baby… a difference I was not aware of when I conceived Beau. There is a lot of pressure and great expectations. The first couple of days were quite exciting… but by the 3rd day I found myself to be so cold and irritable towards my husband, for no reason I could fathom at the time. I would even go as far as to say it was very difficult to let him touch me – I felt used and resentful and repulsed by the whole process, which in turn made me really confused and upset. “I can’t imagine we’ll ever have another baby!” I wailed at one point. My husband is truly the most gentle and kind of anyone I’ve ever met. He was struggling too… you can imagine the distress we were in! It was a really difficult few days for us. I’ve no idea what was going on in the rest of the world at that time. I cancelled plans and stayed at home for 3 full days. 4 – if you exclude one lowly supermarket trip.

After a SOS call of sorts to the Fertility Associates, we were soon laughing about the whole situation – reassured at how normal we were reacting, and told not to put so much pressure on ourselves. We talked it through, found a place of kindness and compassion, and, like all challenges we face, it brought us even closer together.

We were also told that I would likely have already ovulated by now – so we rejoiced in lots of early nights with our thermal PJs and respective books. Romance isn’t dead in this house, my friends!

We also allowed ourselves to believe that we could have conceived.

I dared to long for a girl.

The next week was a bit of a blur – the cold I caught from Beau was lingering, I had no energy to do my workouts, and, despite a building anxiety about this, ultimately I gave myself the grace I needed – and rested. It was a lovely week, actually. Calm and restful. I read a book.

Day 19 – I was scheduled to have a blood test to confirm if I had ovulated or not. I was convinced I had – but it was still a delight to get the text that afternoon: “Hi Hayley. Blood shows that you have ovulated. Please call us in 7-10 days if no period. Best wishes!” I took a screenshot.

And I bought myself a pregnancy test – placing it carefully on my bedside cabinet – as I waited for the moment of truth to arrive.


I spent the next few days surreptitiously re-reading the instructions on the back of the packet, so I could re-calculate when would be my first chance to take the test. And wondering if my low immune system (the lingering cold) could be due to early pregnancy. And being certain that my boobs were sore and my sense of smell was heightened. And really over-analysing my text message which concluded with “best wishes!” Do they know something I don’t know yet?

I pictured a little cluster of dividing cells, moving their way through my Fallopian tube… probably the left one… and I suddenly remembered the surreal dream I had had, the very night after my first fertility appointment, where my old midwife sat with me and Beau in our living room:

“Hayley, you have a daughter in there,” she’d said, pointing to my midriff. “She’s not ready to come, yet. But she’s in there.”

I had believed it. It felt divine.

And now that my first pregnancy test has come back negative – I believe it more than ever.


Over the last 24 hours – in the moments of stillness I’ve had (few admittedly) – I’ve questioned timing. Is this the right time? Am I really ready? Is my body in the best shape and health it could be? And I realised the answer is no. There is never a “right” time. You are never “ready.” You just are. It just is.

I think it’s OK to have this longing. And it’s OK to step right into that dark and uncertain space and to feel comfortable and loved whilst there.

It currently feels right for me to be open about my journey – and I’ve been so moved by the number of people contacting me with messages of support, and stories of their own. I know I’m not the only person going through this and I know I won’t be the last. I intend to keep writing and sharing my experiences, for as long as I feel able to.

And I will continue to move forward through this – not without expectations – but taking life, as I should – one day at a time.

A special lady recently wrote to me… “Your journey will consume you at times, and then one day (for no apparent reason at all) the next wee one will slip into your lives.” – I truly believe it.

‘Til then!

Love and blessings,

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blood, sweat, and tears

That’s the treatment plan I have from the Fertility Associates: Blood, Sweat, and Tears. Literally!

Here’s how it went:


After visiting my doctor last week – with questions around “why am I not ovulating?” – I was immediately sent for blood testing and referred to the Fertility Associates. At this appointment, which my husband joined me at, we discussed my results.

“Well, you’ve got poly-cystic ovaries – and you’ve probably always had.”

Just as suspected!

(NB: I have done a fair amount of research around reproductive hormones and processes – including learning about FSH, LH, estradiol, and what is actually happening when we do/don’t ovulate etc. – but I won’t go into that here, as I am not a medical professional or trying to give anyone advice. All I am doing is sharing my own experiences, in the hopes it might help, or encourage, or comfort someone else. But what I will say, is this: inform yourself as best you can throughout your journey and take ownership of it.)

Our wonderful fertility specialist had analysed my blood results, conducted an internal ultra-sound so that we could all look at my ovaries together, and asked a lot of questions about my lifestyle and patterns – before coming to this conclusion.

My poly-cystic ovaries (PCO) are inhibiting ovulation. So, to induce ovulation, I have now been prescribed a medication (following a detailed discussion around how this works). I left immediately for more blood tests (so that we know where I am at, every step of the way) and, once the results were back, I was told I could now begin taking the medication.

(I’ve also been advised what to expect going forward, next steps etc., and am continuing to be impressed with the quality of care (particularly around pregnancy) in this country. It’s just fantastic.)

After beginning medication, alongside regular ultrasounds and MORE BLOODY blood-testing, we will monitor my ovaries to make sure they are doing their job/responding well to the drugs – and then… when the doctor says it is so… we will go home like obedient children, bonk and report back!


If the drugs don’t work for me… then we will cross that next bridge, if we come to it.

I am currently feeling positive and productive (hopefully, in more ways than one!).


So, not forgetting the ever-so-slightly pertinent fact that I already have a son! – we of course discussed this too.

This is, obviously, good news for me – but if you are struggling with poly-cystic ovaries and haven’t yet conceived, then it could be good news for you too…

(NB: Again, I am not a medical professional, or giving advice. I am purely writing from my own experience.)

The one time in my whole life that I have had a regular menstrual cycle, was the year before I conceived Beau. It also happened to be a year of very regular cardiovascular exercise, for me – specifically, high intensity interval training (HIIT). I would go to the gym every morning before work, and smash out 30 minutes in the cardio room – using the treadmill and rowing machine.

Perhaps it’s no coincidence, then – that I was able to conceive a baby so easily, despite having poly-cystic ovaries – as high intensity cardio exercise has been found to play a crucial role in managing poly-cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). It’s to do with managing insulin and some such…

So – my fertility specialist has sent me off with medication, as well as the motivation to get my sweat on! He was almost willing to bet that a few weeks/months of regular HIIT could do the trick before I even need to consider ovulation stimuling drugs… but knowing I want to get the ball rolling, he has suggested I do both. So blood and sweat it is!

I’ve maintained a regular exercise routine, since Beau came along – lots of long, hilly walks and some moderate resistance exercises, mostly – but now it’s time to step it up a notch. I will blog more about this, later.


Well, this wasn’t exactly on the treatment plan… but it’s an emotional and physical journey I’m embarking on – so there’ll be plenty, I’m sure!

I’m trying to stay as positive and pro-active as I can – but if things get the better of me at times, then that’s totally OK. I deserve all of the love and the grace I have to give… we all do!… so here’s to the blood, the sweat, and all the tears to come! For me, for you, for all of us!

And here I am. My journey to conception has begun.

I’m not sure how long my journey will be – but the fact that I can be found in a fertility clinic, asking questions… means I have already come so far.

Love and blessings,

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