Georgie // a short film

For those who know me well, you will know how much I wanted to conceive a second baby and how it wasn’t an easy road for me. Fertility issues are a silent battle many women are fighting through. I’ve been there and, if you are there too, you have my full understanding.

Having not had any issues the first time around, with Beau, I really struggled with it all – especially the label “Secondary Infertility.” I felt broken, and it took me a little effort to realise I in fact wasn’t broken, and that conceiving Beau ‘without even trying’ was actually just a beautiful and random stroke of luck. It had nothing to do with any accomplishment on my part, nor did my fertility issues second time around have anything to do with a mistake I was making.

For anyone who has conceived effortlessly, it is simply a beautiful and random stroke of luck. And for anyone who has battled, or continues to battle, please don’t lose faith. I can’t tell you if or when you will conceive – but I can tell you that you haven’t done anything wrong, and that you deserve to be a mother more than anything. In your heart you already are. Please don’t stop fighting for it.

This is a film I made for Georgie, yesterday… once I had conceived my second babe, I celebrated every damned moment of it. It wasn’t always comfortable or easy, I gained 20kg overall and struggled with pelvic pain and a bit of antenatal depression and my 9lb 5oz babe needed to be delivered via emergency section because in transition of labour she was obstructed and couldn’t get out, but it was all simply beautiful. And utterly worthy of having the shit celebrated out of it.

Love you, Georgie. I’d go through it all over and over again to get you. You were worth the wait. 

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Pregnancy and toddlerhood

Today is tough
I feel I’m breaking
For all I give
Still more you’re taking
You push me on
And on I go
You’re teaching me
There’s more to know
And maybe this is how it is
To come undone & be rebuilt
Through all the cracks
More light is spilt
A greater depth
A sudden tilt
And slowly I now start to see
I’ve more to give
There’s more to me…

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Time out

So – the end of 2016 is in sight! Summer is here in New Zealand and we are all in holiday mode.

2017 is looming on the horizon – promising new beginnings, new energy, and new hope – ours to claim, with a simple turning of the calendar.

It’s been a year where I’ve felt totally out of sorts. Unbalanced; ready but not prepared; willing but unable. There have been a lot of challenges and internal dialogues. A lot of questions without answers. But many lessons learned along the way.

It’s been a year of uncertainty; a year to step back and look at the bigger picture and figure out what’s really happening. What’s really needed. What really matters.

It’s been a year of opening minds and opening hearts. A year that has threatened our faith and knocked our spirits – but not left us broken.

It’s been a year to be humble and grateful and strong.

But I don’t want to be strong for the summer. I want to be soft and relaxed and amiable. I want to rest more, and then get out into nature – swim in the sea and feel the sun and watch it rise and set. Rise and set. And rise again.

I don’t want plans. I want to laugh and sing and dance and play. I want to be with people I care about the most – who are also taking the time out, to rest and play and enjoy one another. Without tomorrow, without yesterday – just for today.

None of my questions have answers – so maybe I’ll stop asking for a while.

My cup feels empty – so it’s time to fill it back up.

Look – it’s not been a bad year, it’s just not been an easy one. After 6 months of uncertainty, I began fertility treatment on 1st September and the last 3 months of the year have been a total roller-coaster.

But as I write this today – on Christmas Eve – I know now how good it has been. How useful and important. And I feel what’s been a gradual sense of calm and peace return to me. It’s so close now I can grasp it and let it embrace me.

And I’m excited and happy! – for everything my life is, and could be. There has always been hope and possibility. And there will always be.

Right now, we are a family of three – who love each other so deeply. We find new joy in one another’s company every day. My 2 year old son, my sweethearted Beau, looked at me yesterday as he sat having dinner with his Grandma (I had been getting ready to take his daddy out for dinner, for his birthday)… “oh mama,” he said, “you have a beautiful dress.” And in response to my red-lipsticked smile, “oh mama, you have a very beautiful mouth.”

I felt so complete.

All that actually matters is this day that we have. Yesterday is over now. Tomorrow’s still to come. And I have finally reached that point, once again, where I am simply enjoying the day that I have; living with all that ‘is,’ not what ‘if.’

I will trust the process and the journey – nurturing myself, being the most well I can be. There is simply no rhyme or reason in the uniqueness of conception – but for everything there is a season. There may well come a time when effort and trying is once again needed – but, for now, I’m just over here… taking some time and letting my own unique story play out.

Where are you at today? Are you OK? Maybe you can take some time out too?

And maybe – just maybe – you might believe that you deserve it?

Sending you all my season’s greetings,
With love and blessings.

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You are so lovely!

Today is a good day. And it’s important I write about that too, because I don’t want this blog to be a downer!

This fertility stuff is a real challenge, but life is actually great isn’t it? There’s so much to enjoy. And a lot to be grateful for. I’m blessed with a lot of things in my life – my health, a peaceful country, a loving family, a roof over my head, and nutritious food. That really is everything and I know it is. And today I can really feel and appreciate all that. It’s practically euphoric!

Yesterday I ovulated. Husband and I managed to have sex… and actually enjoy it!… so today is a really good day.

Those hormones which have suffocated me for the last couple of weeks have released their grip… floating away like little balloons over the ocean… further and further from view… until gone.

Today I feel lighter. I can breathe easier. The sun is shining a bit brighter – I’m sure of it. It’s Saturday and I started my day with a warm shower, fruit for breakfast, and a yoga class in Greenlane – driving there with windows down and music for company.

I usually work on Saturdays, but have decided self-care is higher up the priority list. So, after yoga, I bought lunch at my favourite cafe and then walked for an hour along the beach – sand underfoot and salt air in my lungs. Not yet wanting to return to my car, I bought a coffee and sat in the sunshine for a while, feeling the warmth seeping into the marrow of my bones. No where to be in a hurry, no one but myself to be mindful of. Bliss.

I went for a massage in the afternoon, which was a birthday gift from a few weeks ago, and then floated home again. Husband is cooking dinner, son is playing with his toys, and I’m just sitting over here breathing.

I feel alive.

Just in case no one has told you yet today, let it be me: you are so lovely.

I encourage you to do that thing, which makes your heart sing.

Today was a good day.
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SCENES // Dating Daddy!

How important it is to continue dating one another, long after you are married or have entered that comfortable stage in a relationship… and it’s especially important after you have a child. So much of our time and energy and thoughts and love are now dedicated to our little ones. The time and energy and thoughts and love that had once belonged to our other half… the very reason for us having children in the first place!

How easy it is to fall into those domestic routines, and comfortable habits, and take one another for granted, and only see each other in a domestic/child rearing environment. How easy it becomes to accept one another as tired, fed up, exhausted, ‘got-work-to-do.’ To no longer see the enthusiasm they once expressed for you. To forget the desire they still feel, slightly deeper now, below the surface. Therefore, how important is is… how essential… to keep dating.

Take the time to be together; talk to each other; dress up a bit; hold hands; remember why it is you are sharing this path. And how much you love it.

We must keep on falling in love, not only for ourselves, but for the little ones. We are their role models in all things. How important it is to set an example of how to love. How to cherish our partners, and our relationships – how to prioritise and value them.

Romance isn’t always about fine clothing and expensive dinners, tickets to shows, or luxurious weekends away. It’s not always about bottles of wine, decadent desserts, or extravagant bouquets of flowers. It’s making sure your one good pair of jeans is clean so you can wear it to go out with your husband tonight. It’s spending less at the supermarket so you can go see a movie this week, instead of waiting for payday next week. It’s planning a couple of hours to walk along the beach and go get an ice-cream, because the last time you went you barked at him for forgetting the wet wipes and attempting to wash your sticky toddler’s face with tissues. It’s sitting down wondering what ‘interesting’ thing you could possibly muster the energy to do together, and still feeling butterflies when he puts his arm around you. It’s walking beside her and never getting tired of seeing the sunlight on her face.

By taking the time to date one another, when we are at our most busy and most tired and most fraught – it’s remembering to say to each other what matters most: I love you, I’m yours, and thank you.

x

 

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To blog, or not to blog… that is the question!

blog1

Hello friends!

If you are new to my little blog, welcome! Thank you for finding your way to me and choosing to read my words… I hope we connect over-time and our online village can become a place where we feel loved, supported, and encouraged.

If you’ve been reading my words for a while now – thank you! Thank you for taking the time to read the ramblings of a new (and often fragile!) Mumma! Thank you for taking the time to comment, to pass on my words to others, and to encourage me. You’ve been a little community that I have so appreciated.

After writing throughout my pregnancy and the first year of Beau’s life – I stopped writing when my baby turned one… I was suddenly lost for words… nothing to say… writer’s block?…

I’ve spent the last 8 months or so just enjoying my days with him, in those simple and exhausting and crazy and wonderful rhythms of new family life, as he has transitioned into toddlerhood (a full-time venture for a mother, is it not!), and also developing my little business as an NZ Celebrant.

But I have missed my blog. And the community that came with it.

After 8 months I was in dire need of a creative outlet… something to pour myself into for no other reason than to express myself. Something that was all mine, not to fulfil or to serve a purpose for someone else.

During this so-called “writer’s block,” I have continued to read and be inspired by many, many other bloggers and writers. And I actually reached a point where I had started to question “why” I was writing. “For who?” “For what reason?” And I wondered, on more than one occasion, “who would want to keep on reading/hearing from me anyway?”

And then I finally realised: I write for me.

I write because this is what I feel compelled to do! To pour out my thoughts and feelings and fears and anxieties and hopes and dreams… for no other reason than I will probably explode if I continue to keep them all in!

So here they are, and will be. I will blog for me, and for baby… but if my words speak to you, too, then nothing will make me happier.

We’re all in it together!

With love,Hayleysignature

Photo found via Business2Community.com

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